WAVES

photo by Wanda Guelzow and used with permission

The waves keep coming

knocking me to my knees

and leaving me gasping for breath

yet somehow God gives me the strength to face the next one...

and the next

and keeps me from drowning

and beauty WILL rise

"...out of this darkness new light will shine, and we'll know joy is coming in the morning..."

The song "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman has really spoken to my heart...

"...I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face 
to wipe the tears away 
and say it's time to make it all brand new...

this is our hope, this is a promise...

it will take our breath away to see the beauty that's been made 

out of the ashes"

"Out of these ashes, beauty WILL rise..."

It's hard to explain why I feel compelled to walk that path, 

but the wind and the sun breathe life into me

and the solitude allows my tears...

I feel hope as I keep moving forward.

remembering is precious

but my life continues

it did not end with his earthly one on February 7

God will be faithful to bring beauty out of the ashes

and as the warmth of the sun gently kisses my face

I feel my dad's smile

That Monday Morning

The Packers had won the Super Bowl the night before. I was in the shower  getting ready for work and didn't hear the phone ring. Tom told me that my mom had just called and that she had found my dad dead.
Not MY dad.... Tom's dad was the one who was so ill and the call we expected... Crying in disbelief, a terrible sound reminiscent of two other occasions where I was told about the deaths of my beloved grandma and grandpa.

I couldn't wrap my mind around it...couldn't think...but somehow got through the calls that had to be made to my principal and my brother. Tom left to pick up Jessica and go out to my mom's. Posting on Facebook let a lot of people know of the situation, and brought one of my best friends to my door on her way to work.
It all felt so surreal but somehow my mind kicked in to things that needed to be dealt with...or so I thought.
Brittany wanted to let her teachers at school know and I went to Evansville to write sub plans for the week.
Should I have gone directly to my mom's?  Should I have been there with my dad's body?
Why hadn't I called and talked to him that past week? Brittany was dealing with "whys and what ifs" of her own and I needed to be strong for her, and for Jessica, and for my mom.  So thankful for Tom who supported us all!

The whole day was a blur...
I felt the prayers of friends, took great comfort from Facebook messages and iChats, but by that afternoon it seemed unreal that we were all sitting in the funeral home making decisions about the obituary, thank you cards, flowers, and all the arrangements.

It's been a year since that day.  The grief journey is difficult...so many facets, roles, and emotions emerging at unexpected times. I am changed...
Yet God has been so faithful to our family, and to me.

 I don't wish him back... I can honestly say that! I have the assurance that he is in Heaven, free from the debilitating effects of Parkinsons' Disease.  For Dad, the suffering is over.

For me, the missing continues.

I wish to hear my dad's voice on the phone say "Kathy, this is your dad" which always made me laugh because Caller ID had already alerted me to who it was on the other end!  I wish I could sit and talk with him about anything and everything like I did all those years.  I wish I could see his smile and hear the stories he used to tell me about his family.  My dad cared about people, he was a good listener, and their stories mattered to him. I hope that I carry on that legacy.

I see him in my mind and in my heart, in my daughters, in the mirror...
and will always remember that Monday morning...

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Dad's Birthday 2010

My Dad was born on January 30, 1938.
Birthdays were a big deal in our family!  We had the favorite food of the birthday celebrant for supper and ALWAYS had cake! My dad loved cake and I inherited that trait as well!
Last year we celebrated Dad's birthday a day early with a trip to Aurora, IL to visit my brother and his family. It was special that we were all together, and Dad really enjoyed watching Lara and Lidija (then 19 months old) play.

Jessica drove Mom and Dad's car that day, and back in Madison, we met up at the Park and Ride so that we could take her back to Edgewood. It was snowing. I remember getting out and going over to the passenger side of their car. I hugged my dad, gave him a kiss and wished him a happy birthday...
never dreaming it would be the last time.

I'll always remember my dad's birthday and be thankful for his life... yet wish I could give him a hug and kiss, say happy birthday...and tell him how much I love him still...

Walking the Path

It felt good to walk my path again today.  

This was just what I needed... the cold fresh air, the brilliant sun, the glistening snow...

the familiar sights transformed.

 It's been a bad week... lots of stress, worry, self doubt, fear...

I even began to wonder if what I do and give, means anything.

And then there were my music students, so excited to learn on the SMART Board, not afraid to be silly as we sang a Groundhog song, laughing with me as I changed the words to one of our winter songs...

(that snow makes me "cranky", and winter is only nice in FLORIDA!)

the precious first graders who ask to work on the "super fast" song for their program 

(their shining eyes and progress giving me goosebumps!)

Yesterday an EMDT grad I had mentored in the past contacted me, 

wanting to talk with me, to ask for prayer...

and that touched me deeply.

The connections I make, the things I do and give...

they do have meaning...

I'll rest in that

and with God beside me, 

continue walking the path.

Celebrating a Life

Recently I attended a memorial service celebrating the life of a close friend of our family. The setting was familiar, as the Tree of Life Chapel at Oakwood was where we had Dad's service almost a year ago.
But this time I was there to support our friends, to remember special times with their family, to hug my precious goddaughter and know that she is feeling the loss of her grandfather keenly, as my own daughters still do.  My friend said "our dads are together in Heaven"...and we take comfort in that,  knowing that both of them are free from disease and celebrating...maybe even playing dominoes!

Almost to Acceptance

I have a favorite path I walk regularly in the midst of corn fields and ponds. 

With my iPod and my camera I walk the paved path, which if it could speak, could tell you of the tears I've shed, the days when I walked into the wind, 

when I have cried out to God and searched for beauty and meaning. 

I think many thoughts and listen for God's voice as I walk.

Today I smiled in the sunshine, marveling at our atypical winter... 40 some degrees in January?

I was surprised with the thought that I'm almost to acceptance. 

In a way that scares me, 

but emerging from grieving does not mean that the missing will be gone, just less raw. 

In the past month I have experienced such incredible healing and restoration, 

and I am so thankful for that! 

Smiles and laughter come more naturally.  

Still on the path, and almost to acceptance.