Anticipation

On my solitary walk, listening to songs that both challenge and refresh my soul, I'm thinking about how a single word can hold such different meanings.
I've walked this same path each week for a couple of months, allowing God to speak to me in my quietness, observing the changes in nature, experiencing the visual gift of sunlight dancing on the water, and soaking in the warmth and beauty...in anticipation.
Anticipation of the winter that is coming...when the sun will be hidden behind clouds full of snow, and deceptive when it does appear, as its distance will not bring warmth, but harsh cold that makes it difficult to breathe.
Anticipation of holidays that are approaching...filling me with dread. Grief has been overtaking me on regular days...

And then there is anticipation of a much different flavor...
an upcoming trip to my "happy place" where the real world recedes for a few days, and fun abounds.
Anticipation of seeing special friends...of allowing the joy and love to fill my heart and carry me through to the spring.

Loss

I have a band director's heart, and in that moment the sense of loss was so profound that I experienced real heart-ache.
The change in my teaching position was presented as a "done deal" last spring, so the loss was known before it happened. The loss was anticipated over the summer. The loss was keenly felt as school started, and I began my 22 class section elementary music schedule. The loss hits with sudden tears at unexpected times.
I knew that seeing the band in the parade would be hard... I just didn't anticipate the jolt of pain or the "out of step" feeling.

I Remember...

This decal from a fast food restaurant, which I think cost me $1 has been on our front door for the past ten years.
I remember that day vividly. I was subbing in a 5th grade classroom in our brand new intermediate school. The principal came to the door of the classroom and asked to speak with me. She told me that America was under attack and that when I had free time I may want to stop in the library (where the only working tv was....the school was THAT new!) and catch some of the news reports. She asked me to keep things as normal as possible for the students.
At lunch time I did join other staff members in front of the tv and we watched in stunned horror.
As a mom, I really just wanted to hold my girls. As a wife, I was glad I could talk to my husband, whose company was immediately put under heightened security, and so thankful when all four of us were together at home that evening!
As a believer, I prayed and cried out to God, and prayed more.
As an American citizen, I saw our country pull together in a way I'd never seen before, as the images which were imprinted on my heart were replayed over and over on the news.
Love for America, mixed with the horror and disbelief, a hurting heart for those who lost loved ones, and for the loss for us all of the sense of security we had taken for granted.
I remember boarding a plane for our family vacation less than two months later...the first flight my daughters would remember, glad for the increased security measures, but still feeling very anxious.

This morning I was awakened by sounds of airplanes and felt eerily chilled. I remember.... it is good to remember.

Magnetic Force Effect

I was thinking about the magnetic force effect that some people in my life have on me. This image came to mind as a way to visualize what I'm feeling:

A Void in My Life

My world changed early Monday morning when my dad went home to our Heavenly Father and left a huge void in my life. His quiet strength has been an inspiration to many, and I will probably never know how many lives he impacted throughout his years of ministry. He used to tell me that you can always recognize a person by their eyes and smile. I definitely miss his!

When I was growing up as a "preacher's kid" I often accompanied my dad for hospital and nursing home calls. I was always proud to be known as his daughter, and I learned a lot about listening to and caring for people. My dad taught me about unconditional love by modeling it. I did not, however, inherit my musicality from him! On our cross country trips to California Dad liked for us all to sing....some of his favorites were "On the Dummy Line", "I Love the Mountains", "California Here I Come"...my mom's voice was beautiful, but my dad's was....a joyful noise! He was always a great "audience" as my music career unfolded.

My Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease when he was 50 years old. His journey through the past 23 years with this disease and the challenges that accompanied it were met with an uncomplaining spirit and a faith that never wavered.

I am thankful that he has now been released from the bondage of that disease, that God delivered him in His time. Yet I will forever miss my daddy, his unconditional love and support for me, and inspiration of how to live with dignity, grace and hope in challenging circumstances.


In loving memory of David W. Roberts January 30, 1938 - February 7, 2011

Joy

This past week has encompassed stressful situations, resulting in many tears. Healing has been experienced, peace restored in relationships, yet clouds of heaviness too.
But through it all, the realization that joy is not dependent on happy feelings. Joy is much deeper than that and is present even when I don't "feel" it.
At year end...
remembering joy

What Others See...

Recently I was shadowing a connections team interview at church. The purpose was to meet with this young woman and help her to see the gifts that God has given her and where she might be best connected in our various church ministries. Listening to her talk about a time in her life when she had felt she was "in the zone", I noticed that her whole face lit up and her voice rang with passion. My friend who was doing the interview and I both identified leadership qualities in this woman that she didn't see in herself! It was so clear to us, and such a surprise to her!

That experience really made me think!
What ignites passion in my voice and lights up my face?
What qualities do others see in me that I have not fully realized?
What dreams might come true if my eyes weren't clouded with insecurity?
What could I accomplish if I saw what others see?

Graduation and Celebration Weekend Highlights

This video pretty much captures the excitement and joy of my graduation and celebration weekend in Florida at Full Sail University's EMDT World and of course at Disney World as well! :)


The path of the journey was always heading to this point! Some days it was motivation to keep going, other days made me want to stop time.
Now that it's come and gone, what next? There's involvement in the Mentor Program, skills I want to keep using, and I am now on my school district's Director of Instruction's "radar" for technology conferences! My husband commented today that there should be a wimba session after graduation to address the issues of readjustment, etc.
All I can say is that I have tears come at the oddest times, feel a bit lost, and am not quite comfortable with how the "new me" fits.

what a difference this year has made...

One year ago today my first FSO course opened up for me! I remember being nervous and excited and totally overwhelmed by APA which I had no clue about! It was fun to start my website, scary to venture into Second Life (but I did love Mouseworld) and that first video... I'm sure I refilmed it at least 9 times!!!
Now a year later, my countdown to Graduation has dwindled to 4 days. I look back and see where I've been...the leaps from my comfort zone; the new tools and knowledge to use them; the times I laughed so hard I cried; the relationships; the shining eyes of my students experiencing the projects I created; the LATE nights working,chatting,or playing WoW; Wimba sessions; iChat, Skype video; the feelings of insecurity and achievement; the passion for filmmaking; the blog posts that make reflection so effortless! I accomplished more than I ever dreamed I could, and became a WoW addict on top of it (who would have EVER thought???) Like a comforter out of its plastic packaging, I no longer "fit" in the package of a year ago.
What changes will this next year bring? More of the story is yet to be written!

Can it really be.......finished????

final presentation...final discussion board post...crossing the bridge...celebrations ahead...
new chapters to write... new tools to create... priceless friendships to treasure... moving forward, but ok to look back...
words can't express... EMDT...soon to be alumni

How Growth is Measured Part 1

I'm thinking about how growth can be measured. I know that I've grown this past year... in confidence, in knowledge, in creativity, personally and professionally. I think all these areas of growth are evident in this Program Reflection video and that filmmaking in itself is an accurate measurement of my growth.

A Proud Teacher Moment

This month I have had the pleasure of "tutoring" two GSM students in the World Of Warcraft game. It's been fun to get to know each of them as we chat on Skype, and I still marvel at how it is so "normal" to make connections and talk with people I have never actually met in person, in this way! It has been a wonderful learning experience for me of when to get in there and protect, and when to hang back and heal/resurrect! I did a lot of thinking on how I can make this the most appealing experience for them! One evening while we were playing, one of the women "took the lead", and THAT absolutely thrilled me! It was a very proud teacher moment! EMDT has helped me see that "teaching" is not always limited to school or my studio, and "students" are not always kids!
Sharing my passion for WoW or sharing my passion for music...I am a teacher at heart!

Quest for a Calm Spirit

There have been lots of instances of anxiety for me lately...my daughter's health issues, summer slipping away, daunting final projects for EMDT, getting ready for the new school year, rollercoaster emotions...
Of course I handle things better when calm, and I find that state best when in the quiet beauty of nature. There, it is easy to focus on my Creator, and remember WHOSE I am, and that HE is in control!

Paradigm Shift

This has been a difficult day with a lot of tears…but then, it is really on these kinds of days that significant growth can take place. As I am attempting to make a paradigm shift between being an achiever and being a contributor, two friends contributed by making me take a hard look at myself. They did not “sugar coat” or tell me what they thought I would like to hear, hence the tears, but perhaps showed greater care for me by being honest.

How will I be a contribution today? “Unlike success and failure, contribution has no other side” (Zander, 2000, p.57).

Source: Zander, B. & Zander, R. (2000). The art of possibility.Boston, MA:Harvard Business School Press

Keep Both Hands On the Wheel

"Driven" is the word that keeps coming to my mind when I think about how I'm feeling these days! Might be that I've spent lots of time behind the wheel recently, or maybe it is truly the"pressing forward, not letting up for rest" that I am experiencing as I complete Month 10 and am constantly counting the laps before I'll reach the finish line of EMDT. I really loved Joe Bustillos' analogy of these next couple months being like merging into traffic on a busy freeway and that we needed to keep both hands on the wheel!

Journey

Poetry in motion just for fun! The inspiration that came from my photo quest day!

Some Summer Introspection

This is the first summer that I can remember not being bogged down with "just a different kind of busy". The girls are so independent, and I am just home. My fso course work is easily managed and I have time for friends and lots of time to play WoW.

I've also had a lot of time to think...about fso, about what I'm learning, about my present job, about the future...
When I try to describe to others what this fso journey has meant to me, I fail miserably (but I'll keep trying!)

There are the obvious components...relationships, skills, new ideas, opened eyes, mind and heart-
and I can laugh at myself and with my friends that I am a "card carrying member" of the "Click it Off" club...definitely an overachiever, first born thing!
But if I look a bit deeper, and listen to my husband who says I "sell myself short" all the time, perhaps my over achiever-ness is a result of a fairly low self esteem.

My journey with fso has given me CONNECTIONS (a very vital part of who I am) and unashamedly I will say that one of my goals is that when I'm at graduation, each of my course directors will remember me because of the connections that have been made..., the chance to explore new areas, achievements to be proud of, and amazing encouraging feedback from course directors and classmates. I have a strong sense of wanting to "give back", and that is why I have, and will happily take on projects to help promote EMDT to others.

But as the countdown continues I find myself wanting to stop time, to just stay in the moment, not let go...
I'm so thankful that already I have options to stay connected to EMDT, that auditing will be possible, and that lifelong friends have been made. Looking at my present job, truly this was only the beginning of what I can continue to do to incorporate more and more technology in my every day classroom teaching.

Most importantly of all, I need to remember to be open, to embrace the winds of change, to never say never, and to have fun along the way...

Big Confessions

Hi my name is Kathy Kellen, and I am a GAMER...
who knew??!! I guess it sort of makes sense to me as I remember playing Sim City and the Sims for HOURS, but I was able to break the habit back then and move on to other things.
Then there was Farmville...and Treasure Island...and now, World of Warcraft...

Seriously, I didn't think I would even like World of Warcraft, but I didn't dare admit that during GSM, because that would have meant an epic fail! I really didn't intend to play past the free 10 day trial...but have upgraded to the full version.

So what have I learned?
I've learned to keep an open mind and give everything I try my very best effort. I've learned that I am very competitive, but also really love to work on quests with my friends and help them succeed. I've learned that I can use WoW as a reward after my less exciting tasks are finished.

I've learned that the very best kind of teacher is one who encourages continually, reminds you to have fun, engages and immerses you in the material, tells you to get to work (when needed), and gives extra challenges to help you stretch and grow.

Here is the result of one of those challenges:

A Digital Native

I must admit that before I began EMDT at FSO I had not really heard or attached meaning to the term "digital native". In eight short months my understanding of the term and its reality have made a tremendous impact on me! This photo of my 11 month old niece, so engrossed with her older cousin's iPod Touch totally portrays "digital native"! Watch out world!! I can't wait to watch her grow up and witness the evolving technology she will experience!

Reflection: Nearing the halfway point

Photo by Kathy Kellen

I had an interesting experience last evening, and as I woke up this morning still thinking about it, I realized it was interesting in a way other than I had originally thought....
I had spent time with a friend who I've been close to for 25 years....not remarkable in itself, but in the past six months our relationship has been a bit strained. She has made comments about missing me and knowing that I am "off limits" until I graduate in October...and although I have assured her that I am not "off limits" and just to call me, any recent contact has been initiated by me. I had the thought yesterday when I knew we'd be together that perhaps it would be good to share some of my fso projects with her to give some insight as to why all of this is so important to me.
Happily, I can say that this proved to be true! She was very excited about the projects I showed her, and I think now her "support" will be more informed and genuine. I definitely learned from this experience!

As for the other interesting aspect...
looking through my program portfolio site, watching my videos, viewing my projects, remembering group work, even reliving in my mind some of the frustrations caused by my internet connection problems (oh, I wasn't parachuting from the Eiffel Tower in Second Life like the rest of my group....my internet had me stuck in the elevator!!! and Skype conference calls where I was disconnected and felt alone...) all of these things have shaped who I am as an EMDT grad student to this halfway point.
It is important for me to remember that it took me SEVEN hours to put that final project in MLT together, and how much less time it took in ETC...to think of the the connections that have been built and continue with course directors, not to mention the amazing closeness that has enriched my life unbelievably with my "inner circle" classmate friends!

Looking back along the path I've walked the past six months, and knowing the path lies before me for another six months....
this is the truly amazing and valuable part of reflections and a vital part of my journey...